|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| This blog is now abandoned.
I have moved elsewhere.
| | |
| I know who I am, I know where I am
The times I can't trust anyone are the times when I can't see what's around me
There are some things that take time, things I can't do even if I know how
Now is the time to take the first step myself and climb over that wall
Five years later, I can feel every day that I'm not alone
We suffer together, we laugh together, and we enjoy every day together
I'm grateful to everyone around me as I choose my own path
My feet are on the ground
Found a reason to be strong
You are the one
Always in my heart, my friend
Every time you call my name
I will be there
No matter how far, we are friends
Who will be beside me then? I know it'll be the five of us
As I look around, you're there - that's the wish I'll spell out here
-Matsumoto Jun
| | |
| I'm slowly closing myself up.
Countless of people have betrayed me, especially those around me.
Even without knowing, they betray me. Constantly. And it's causing me to close myself up, to not trust anybody except myself.
But I myself am not strong enough. I am slowly crumbling underneath all this pressure, hopeless and incredibly lost.
I don't see the value of groups, and yet it appeals so much to me. I am unable to cast it away, but I really do wish to. But then I cannot survive. Humans are social creatures. I will ruin myself.
Is this why I run to dramas, where I know the character has its flaws and blatantly shows them off? And with that, the other characters act accordingly, accepting him or her and just acting by the script without any inhibition?
Life is a two faced mess. People are constantly fighting, debating, changing, swerving, backstabbing, and just everything else.
That is what I don't like. This change that isn't for the better. It's just become so twisted and underhanded and double meaninged that I just want everything flat out and plain in the open. I don't want people changing themselves just for other people, and I hate myself for running away from all this.
But even if I did stand up, I am too weak. I have nobody that will stand with me.
Everyone is so warped up in themselves, unable to look out. Boys, girls, boys, clothes, people, boys. I hate it.
Is this why I really want to go into the entertainment industry? Where it is worse and more twisted, but you get a sense of belonging and family within your group members?
I feel as though everyone has betrayed me in some way. Is it because I am too critical and any misdeed or little wrongdoing done to me I condemn it as rejection of me and my ideals?
Are my ideals too strong? Too farfetched? Are they too impossible for the world we live in, corrupted by our sinful lives and goals?
I don't know what to do anymore. All I do is run away, but there's noone to talk to, no direction to head towards, nobody who shares the same radical views as me. I'm lost. I'm alone. Noone is confident in themselves that they can stand alone against the world, that they can, to some degree, defy the very essence of society and the degrading things it does to us.
Can I really change the world? What's my objective in life? Am I really someone who will do great things? When will life start changing for the better? Will I ever meet a person who can support me, someone who deserves my trust and commitment? Are there people out there who value friendship like I do, someone who has strong and good morals and values? In the end, will I be the one changing, or will it be the world?
I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm alone. What can I do? I want to run to God but I'm too caught up in my materialistic obsessions to even care. I so dearly want to go back, but I just love this temporary haven I've built up.
I have no compassion. I respect other people, but I honestly wouldn't give any care for some people out there. I don't know what's become of me. I've become so critical, so aloof and independent that I don't know what the definition of a group, of togetherness really is.
Betrayal by many of the closest people in my life has really brought me to a point where I don't know top from bottom. I stride on with fake confidence, with wavering determination. What can I do? I'm so scared of becoming hurt again, of opening myself up into a vulnerable position where I feel as though anybody can attack me. My sadistic side gets the better of me, forcing me to hold myself with bated breath, forcing myself to suffer these injustices alone in my mind, forgotten and forsaken.
Boys boys boys boys. Are they that much better than friends, that much more important in life than relationships? This extreme materialism pisses me off to no extent, snapping my patience strings one by one.
And whoever values quantity over quality, I hope to never talk to you.
People who don't know how to value other people and really respect who they are don't deserve to live, don't deserve to meet and seek other people.
I don't know what's become of me. Countless and countless numbers of betrayal, backstabbing, loss, and hardships have bombarded me in the past four years. High school is so stupid, so pointless, so inefficient and so degrading.
Peer pressure. What is that? Is it the Law of Survival, where you will die if you do not get acceptance from the crowds? What is so hard of standing on your own, alone and unaided, against a mass of stupid, brainless fools? Why must we, as humans, desire to bond together and form something that is only temporary, something that is, honestly, a waste of time?
Because of this downgrading of our generations, I feel so old fashioned, so outcasted, for beliefs and morals that are so much more precious and heartfelt than society's insufficient love of self and self only.
I anticipate college. I have high hopes for it. I don't know what I will do if college is as much of a downer as high school is.
Family, friends. What are they to me? Something that I treasure the most, but am too scared to truly open up. Small things especially get to me, making me feel vulnerable and attackable. I don't know why I feel so dissatisfied, so annoyed, so hateful. Is it because of the constant narrowmindedness, the constant idiotness that I constantly encounter?
Even if I get no hot guys, even if there are no more of my obsessions - I just hope I can find someone like me, someone who wants to trust but cannot, someone who wants to love but is scared to, someone who hates the world but lives in it, someone who is like me - hating and loving, scorning and adoring.
I hate myself and what I've become.
...I feel like I've omitted something.
//End of Rant Blog of 2009's January 20.
//edit.
Oh. I'm on my period. Maybe that's why.
Uhh. I'll try to use this blog for other things that aren't suicidal sounding, depressing as hell thoughts.
| | |
| Let me complain to my heart's content, it's not everyday when I can say what I want to say.
I'm so fucking depressed.
There's no point in me playing cello, there's no hope for me in art, I don't even understand why I go to Oxford just to get satisfactory grades, and I hate the person I've become.
My life has been destroyed by my pointless fandoms and I've become so proud that I've now turned antisocial.
I hate putting myself out of my way just to reach out to others, but because I care, I do. But the thing is, when I do, people aren't so appreciative, people aren't so fucking thoughtful of the world.
Believe it or not, unlike other people, I actually don't mind being a pretentious dickhead in order to be alone. At least it's better than to rot alongside people who don't care.
I wish humans didn't have to be social creatures by nature, because people these days aren't even worth talking to.
I don't know why I sound so hateful but I think it has to do with the issue of how people are losing their values, making their only moral in life fucking dick chasers. Or slut.
The world's turning so stupid, and you can tell by how now there is no such thing as great thinkers like Voltaire or Socrates, and how people look at face value and not what lies underneath.
I know that I need to find something in myself that I can lean on, but everything's just disappearing - my years of cello, my love of art, my care for people. And don't give me some fuck about leaning on somebody, 'cause there's nobody to lean on. They're all fucking turning stupid.
I hate how people can't truly appreciate the people around them.
Don't give me some shit, that you're not like that.
Go tell that to me in my face, I'll laugh at you. You shitheads.
Hot guys were only a temporary shelter, 'cause everything's all crumbling down now.
But see, the thing is, at this moment of my life, the only thing that makes me truly happy is hot guys.
I'm very melodramatic and angsty, aren't I? But I have a reason. I really do.
I'm noticing that people yearn for attention. But once they receive some, it's not enough. They want more, more, more. You kids.
I'm really bad at taking the initiative in relationships and I'm really awkward.
My life has taken a wrong turn at the wrong place in the wrong time at the wrong situation in the wrong life.
I hate how the only thing I can really do is preach and preach and hope that I can impact someone's life and maybe even open their eyes to see the whole world, to see other people, to see themselves.
And thoughts I've collected over the months.
Out of order.
- Hot guys are my escape from the world's vice like grip, but because of this little shelter that has formed, I am unable to reach out and impact.
- I can't believe there are gullible parents who believe every word their child says.
- I'm even more shocked at your immaturity.
- I don't know where you went wrong, but at least I have the ability to be able to admit that I'm wrong, and the decency to treasure my friends for all they went through because of me.
- The people I hate the most are people who don't know who they are.
- People act victimized and weak for attention, but the truly victimized stay strong and speak out.
- UCLA today, I felt intimidated but so motivated.
- Sometimes I worry about the way I act, if it's really the way I feel about myself and not me disillusioning myself into an angelic being in my eyes.
- I'm very possessive. I get hurt easily, I get angry easily. I have a very strong character, and it sucks. I wish I didn't have to take everything so seriously, that I could just be free and apathetic about things.
- I want everything to go my way, I want to be a queen in a world that doesn't even care. What are friendships? Are they just only bonds between people, or is it something bigger, something more important?
- I'm fine being by myself, I would actually prefer it. But when everyone else around me is interacting, is laughing, I can't but help feel jealous, that they actually had the humility to put away their pride and had the drive to reach out to other people even with fears of rejection, the fear of loneliness.
- It's been impacting me, these days. Those fears. Always trapping myself.
- Will I ever be able to meet a person who truly cares for people, who can reach out to people and influence them to become like them?
- I'm just so tired of life, so sick of this world. But suicide is the most cowardly way to solve things. I'm going to keep on living, keep on surviving, but I don't know if I have the continuing motivation to fix things, to make things better.
...
I wonder when my blog will ever end on a nice note.
//End of Rant Blog of 2008's December 4. | | |
| My Disclaimer:
- The things I talk about in this post are not related to my life as of now, I'm just rambling. Contentedly, I guess.
- And I guess my post is people-oriented. Like, about people. In general. So no specific people involved.
- And if you get insulted, then keep on reading. I want to insult you some more. You wuss.
- Oh yeah. I wrote this throughout the past week, so
- 1) There probably will be contradictions,
- 2) These are just random thoughts and tangents compiled into one post,
- 3) I'm very pessimistic, if you haven't figured that out yet, and...
- 4) Have fun. Welcome to my brain.
Loneliness, betrayal, dependence, hate.
Why do people feel as they do? Do as they do?
I want to say it's human nature, but considering that's usually my answer to things, I can't help but wonder - is it REALLY human nature?
Human nature's a really tricky toy to play with. It's so... self-centered, so constantly living for itself. Why? Why don't people realize that they're not the only ones living in the same world, living the same life? That we're all the same, weak, unstable human beings?
I've noticed that I've been surrounded by extremely selfish and self-centered people these days. All they do is think about themselves. And I can't do anything but reach out, and think to myself: Is this what the world is coming to? Is this all the world amounts to? Is this the ultimate reason as to why God created us?
It's not.
I like to think I do things for my own benefit. It's probably true, with some exceptions. But I'm not mature enough to see who I really am yet. I am still unable to view myself from the outside, to analyze how I set an example to people.
I do things for my own benefit. Simple as that. Then why, I ask myself, why do I reach out to those people who use and trash people, unconsciously, even? Why do I constantly fray my temper by dealing with people who absolutely don't care at all?
If you're reading this post, and thinking to yourself, "Ok, she's not talking about me. I care! I'm not that type of person!"
Then let me ask you this - What DO you care about? Are you just saying that because you regard yourself so highly that you can't be associated with such negative facts?
Don't try to angelize yourself. You're not that perfect, you're not that great. I don't even know who I'm directing this at. Probably at humankind in general. But seriously. There are just so many people in this world, and to think only about yourself is kind of stupid, don't you think? Because every single person you befriend, every single person you interact with - they're a person just like you. They laugh like you, they smile like you, they love like you, they cry like you. You think you're the greatest thing that ever happened to earth, but if you think like that, you're definitely the worst.
I think that's the biggest fault in our world - people like to group other people into generalized titles, like the Asians, or the Americans, or the Catholics, or the homeless. Because of this generalization, we just glob together into a big mass, and you can't differenciate a single person from there. It's like a mosh pit, except there's discrimination involved. Except there's just too much biased views affecting the bigger picture. Affecting the individuals who are ungracefully thrown into their designated labels.
Life's so filled with shit, but there's only one person you could turn to: God. Seriously. I'm already safe in His arms, but other people are still treading water. They're just so scared.
God's said this once - that He'll never give us a challenge we can't overcome, and if we do reach a dead end, He'll come in and help us.
I guess that's why I'm so strong, especially when I'm facing problems. I don't know. It's just, the knowledge of someone always watching your back, someone all powerful and almighty just loves me so much that He died for me - AND even conquered death - just gets me back on my feet, gets me back on track and confident.
There's just so much in life that goes on unnoticed and unappreciated.
Even the smallest things. Have you ever looked at the sky, and how the colors that are painted throughout the expanse just clash together in perfect harmony? And the clouds. I wouldn't even begin to explain what I feel. I praise God everyday for all He's made for me. The only thing I can really do is just open my eyes and see everything.
I was looking around cluster today, and this thought came up. Why do people interact with each other? Sure, to become friends, to know more about each other. But I'm talking about the deeper part, the subconciousness's subconcious that pushes people to interact. Is it for materialism? Popularity? Comfort?
The thing that makes me so frustrated is because people don't do things to benefit themselves. They do what they want, and usually, what you want isn't always the best thing.
And yes, there's a difference.
I've been told that I think too much. It hurts, you know.
At times it's good, but it still hurts. Anytime, anywhere.
Which is why the ability to read minds isn't all that great after all, because it'll cause you to kill yourself, it'd be that bad.
Why does betrayal happen?
Friendships are just SO easy to lose. If it's not clearly mutual, there's no hope for it.
And the thing that sucks for me is, only a handful of people are cut for the true friend material for me - I envy those people persons who can reach out to everyone.
Honestly, I don't know WHY I sound so pessimistic. Really, I'm not that pessimistic - I just like looking at the world in a pessimistic point of view. It's like saying an orange is an apple just because they're both fruits. Or something of that sense.
Sometimes I feel like I have such a heavy burden dragging me down on my back, but when I look back, nothing's there. Am I on the road to self-pity? God, I hope not.
I asked my dad a couple of days ago if we were upper class or middle class
-Middle class. A little above middle class, he said.
Then, if I am middle class, how low does lower class go? But putting lower class aside, the unfathomable extent upper class can reach amazes me. How high could it be? How bad is that extent between the poor and the rich?
You know, these are just a series of random thoughts. This is basically how I think when I'm not making a fool out of myself. Yes, I think very pessimistically.
I'm in a slump, after my short-lived high.
I know you guys are probably saying "tl;dr", but who cares about what you think? I certainly don't, considering that it's my blog and I honestly don't care what you think about this. Go on, get offended. Curse at me under your breath when I walk by or write hate mails to me - 'cause really, nothing you do will affect me.
Yes, I just noticed I contradicted myself. But what I'm talking about here is I don't care what you think about my blog - it's mine, not ours, not yours. But see, the difference is, I don't care about what you think about my blog - but I'm openminded to your thoughts, what you want to say, your personality. Get my drift?
People talk about planning their weddings and all, but let's take a more realistic view - you're probably going to change your preferences by the time you get married, so why do you cling onto fantasies that might never become real? Plan for your funeral instead. Don't give me some bullshit saying that's too depressing, I don't like thinking of scary things, Christine why are you so pessimistic...
I'm not. And 'cmon, think about it. Death is so close to us, it's so near us. We're not as all-powerful as we like to think we are. Death is breathing down your neck and you don't even know it. Do you know how easy it is to lose your life?
That's why - live your life to the fullest, and always without regrets.
That's why I'd rather plan my funeral than my wedding. And plus, what if my husband doesn't want to wear all black in our wedding? (Half-joking, btw.)
And if you don't plan your funeral now, your family's going to do it for you. And it might not be the way you want people's last memory of you to be. I sure don't want my family planning my funeral, then that would just suck.
And plus, I don't want people to bawl their eyes out over this extravagent funeral service as if they're prolonging the sorrow only to make the mourners feel worse and thus give more money to the family. Really.
Simple and clean.
I want to be cremated, I can't bear to stand the thought of being buried eight feet under the ground. I want to be cremated, and divided. Divided only to all the people who've impacted me, who've changed me into the person I am now. I don't want some of me to be left challenging the family album next to me by collecting dust. I want to be divided, into a bottle with a cork stopper, something sturdy, something strong. Then carry me around for 10 years - show me all the places you go to, show me your life. Talk to me. Yes, talk to a bottle of ashes. Show me how well you're living your life, show me how great it is, how well you're keeping up without me. Show me that you don't need me.
And then, after 10 weary years of slowly forgetting me, slowly turning my remnants into a paper weight, something you carry around just because you have to, then let me go. Free me.
Go anywhere, go everywhere.
Spread me across the world, spread me across the nations. The seas, the mountains, the oceans, the fields, the rivers, the hills, just anywhere. Anywhere God's glory is.
Give some to the homeless, spread some in New York, go to Chinatown, sprinkle some at a Buddhist monastery. Spread me across the continents, across the world.
Set me free.
Oh. And my funeral service?
Everyone's going to wear white, and people who wear black will be forced to feel out of place. I want it in a sun-lit cathedral, with refreshments all around, good food being cooked, people dancing, music blaring.
I want people to laugh. I'm going to watch from heaven, seeing if my funeral proceedings are going as I want them. And when someone starts crying, I'll curse them.
'Cause, don't be caught up in me dying and not being left in this world. I don't like this world. This world sucks.
Instead, praise Him for being so gracious and taking me up. C'mon, who in their right mind wants to stay here? It sucks here. And it's better up there, much better up there.
fin.
//End of Rant Blog of 2008's September 21.
| | |
|
